throw ice on the streets to watch it shatter

soon i go home for christmas. its been two years since i've been home for christmas. the older i get the more disinterested i get in our nations most elaborate holiday. its the one time of the year i don't feel very much like a kid. every other day of the year i operate with a very child-like fascination for life. i count down hours till volleyball practice and fishing trips. i stop and look at icicles and throw ice chunks out on the road to watch them shatter. i day dream a lot.

somehow christmas makes me snap out of it. and im not sure why. it seems opposite for most people. at this time of year it seems many take a break from their mature lifestyles to engage childhood traditions. i wonder if it is because since entering college i have never had any surplus cash to buy the gifts that i really wanted to get my family. but is it really a lack of money? children don't mind doing their shopping at the dollar store. i wonder if it has anything to do with the disconnect i feel with the church. but then again most americans don't emphasize the Jesus part of christmas anyway.

so what is it? i wonder. what has caused me to grow up at this time of year and find christmas stale? what has caused me to lose my fascination for religious and pagan tradition? i don't know. but i get to see my family. and i can't wait.